RAP HANDS I grew up on Raffi and the Beatles “Baby Beluga” and “Taxman” Then I learned that rap existed And it threw a match into my gas can Once I had it in me It reshaped me like a belly with a LAP band I was loving rap jams By rap clans I was a rap fan Yes I loved the music But the look of it was part of the attraction Album covers, videos and photos I examined 'em like CAT scans I was fascinated by the grittiness The outfits and the pinky rings and hat bands But even more than that, man I loved the rap hands That's right, the rap hands Rap hands! Rap hands! Rap hands! This is Hurricane He used to DJ for the Beastie Boys He scratched wax In 1995, he dropped an album of his own I made a mad dash I bought it, ripped the wrapper off, Did not expect the inner flap to flabbergast But look at that grasp! Whose hand is that vast? Little Zach gasped. Apparently this image made a big impression on me Left a fat stamp Looking at it helps to shed some light upon my past Like it's a gas lamp What I'm going to do Is show you photos of me from that summer at camp They give me a laugh cramp 'Cause I'm such a wack scamp The self-awareness-lack champ Here is Hurricane again and here I am. You recognize the rap hand? Here's another photo Where I'm posing with an identical rap hand Here's another one and yet another one I'm really into rap hands! Really into rap hands! Rap hands! Rap hands... Rap hands! A step back and.... Rap hands! Now I'm an adult And both my sense of self and my career have advanced But I appreciate the opportunity to take a looking-back glance Cause if you told the younger me that rap would be my living I'd say “Fat chance!” But I made and carried out attack plans And I didn't crash land I'm still throwing rap hands I'm still throwing rap hands! Rap hands! Rap hands! Tap dance! Plaid pants! Cat stance! Kaplan! Batman! Zach fans! Rap hands.

VEST FRIENDS "Vest friends" - Everybody heard Jay-Z Guess who's as big a word nerd as me? Jay-Z! And if the slickest rapper ever to spit it can make a joke this corny I really feel like he's kicking the door open for me To dork out to my heart's content. Jay's got me covered so it won't concern me If you groan when I tell you That I'm opening a cremation service And calling it “Burnt and Urn-y” If you're OK with “vest friends" Then I think that you have to accept that equally And it's not just puns - This applies to all varieties of linguistic geekery Like Jay has this song called “Threats” Where he says that his critics can “duck sick” If you switch the beginnings of those last two words He's saying that his critics can suck dick. The letters that Jigga flipped Are my permission slip To hit you with this description Of what would happen when the late, great Dick Clark Turned off a light switch: “Click! Dark.” Now let's consider how Humpty Hump says, “Both how I'm living and my nose is large” In “Get Lucky,” Pharrell's like, “Let's raise the bar and a glass to the stars.” And MF DOOM says he “Holds the mike And your attention like two swords” Hearing these emcees double those meanings up Gave me confidence to move forwards And see if you'd be tickled if I said That last night I got a little dehydrated So I drank a bunch of water and went straight to sleep Which is how I wet my whistle and bed. Now let's talk Eminem An emcee who I truly do respect But with all due respect, Spelling words backwards Is a skill that he still needs to perfect. I have a few selected examples to go through First up: “Love is evil, spell it backwards, I'll show you” But not exactly, it's off a bit And the same for, “Cock backwards is still cock, you pricks” These are errors that he ought to fix! Or “Y'all are Eminem backwards – mini-me.” I mean, he's a rap divinity! Reversing words is a weakness, though But it's more fun to join him than beat him so I wrote “Spartacus.” It's a battle rap verse And it spells “Suc at raps” if you spell it backwards. Kind of. Now let's switch gears fam Talk about the Jay and Kanye song “H.A.M.” “Hard As a Motherfucker” And another such jam is “C.R.E.A.M.” by the Wu-Tang Clan: “Cash Rules Everything Around Me” And “G.O.A.T.” is a rhyme by LL Cool J “Greatest Of All Time” And you only live once So I won't spend more Of your life telling you what “YOLO” stands for Well I have a song called “Flab Slab,” About a chubby kid who learned to box so that he Could stand up to his bullies and he reclaimed the name To mean, “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.” Or this Lil' Wayne line: “Real G's move in silence like lasagna.” “G” stands for “gangster” Lasagna's “g” is silent. Fun! Well, I also have a noodle wordplay to lay on ya Think about the words “mac and cheese” “Mac” is spelled “M-A-C” Now what if that stood for “mac and cheese”? How crazy would that be? And what if THAT “mac” stood for mac and cheese, And it just keep stacking back, and back again, Like a nesting doll, or “Inception,” y'all With that macaroni acronym - or “macaronym.” And if you called THAT joke cheesy, It would bounce right off me, not distress or offend Cause I heard Jay say "vest friends" So I feel invincible like I'm wearing a bulletproof vest, Friends.

PLUSH PIG Plush pig, plush plush piggy Plush piggy-pig, plush plush piggy-piggy Quiet. Listen. Hush. Dig. Shush.... Plush pig. As a kid I had a plush pigger I was little then, now I'm much bigger I'm a grown-up. Not a mere boy. And guys, my pig was a really weird toy. This is ludicrous But that plush pig had a uterus! Her stomach had a zipper And you could unzip it And pull out three little piglets Their mouths were metal snap fasteners And the mother had snaps attached to her And the little pigs had to nurse So you could take a piglet triplet And clip it to a niplet And yeah sure thing It taught me about birthing and nursing But it's disturbing in hindsight Cause you get how you played with the swine, right? You went first Unzip the mama Open the womb up wide And then Pull out the first piggy Wave it from side to side to side And then It's the second and third piggy You pull them out to the beat And now that you've delivered the litter You gotta snap 'em on the teats! You go snap! Attach the first piggy Snap snap! And then the next piggy Snap snap snap! And then the third piggy! Now get busy! Do the plush piggy! You go Shake piggy piggy piggy Shake piggy piggy Shake piggy piggy piggy Shake piggy piggy Just get jiggy It's not tricky Everybody's ready to do the plush piggy! Oh! Plush pig, plush plush piggy Plush piggy-pig, plush plush piggy-piggy Quiet. Listen. Hush. Dig. Shush.... Plush pig. Now maybe you're saying to yourself, "Zach, it seems highly unlikely that Any parent would provide their child With such a bizarre plaything." Well if you're thinking, "Wait, no. Surely you jest. Man, you made that story up This is purely BS." Well, I had my mom dig into my closet And yes - She found that pig and sent it to me USPS! So, first, unzip the mama Open the womb up wide And then Pull out the first piggy Wave it from side to side to side And then It's the second and third piggy You pull them out to the beat And now that you've delivered the litter You gotta snap 'em on the teats! You go snap! Attach the first piggy Snap snap! And then the next piggy Snap snap snap! And then the third piggy! Now get busy! Do the plush piggy! You go Shake piggy piggy piggy Shake piggy piggy! Shake piggy piggy piggy Shake piggy piggy! Just get jiggy Do the plush piggy! Clip a little piggy to a metal pig titty!

PRO CON What I want to provide is a bit of context Help you get with the program Bring you on board with the concept Positive vs. negative like a proton-electron contest I just hope that a verse this hot Is not gonna make my palms sweat Rap professional comin' atcha from every angle like a protractor Flavor like provolone and prosciutto Written down or freestyled pro bono Rarely profane, not fuelled by propane I would rather eat rappers to get my protein And I'd proclaim myself pretty proficient At procuring my preferred provisions Profoundly prolific, this MC is Proprietor of fire like Prometheus Ego's as big as my nose is Aka my prodigiously-proportioned proboscis Props to producers spinnin' those records And b-boys spinnin' like propellers And all my graf writers with paint and propellant? I love 'em man! But on the other hand: Sometimes I lack confidence And as a consequence I can't concentrate My negative thoughts just congregate As I contemplate with consternation My constant content constipation Writer's block is like confirmation that No concert connoisseur would consider me a star In his consummate-MC constellation. And there's no consolation for my contempt for me. Au contraire: I'm convinced that congested and confounded Is what I'm condemned to be. I'm the opposite of conceited I should have stopped and quit and conceded long ago I'm out of control and I need to confront these demons Everybody has pros and cons Happy and sad emoticons Offs, ons, yesses, nos, yins, yangs, cons, pros Each of us contains a proliferation of contradictions That conspire to promote a profusion of confusion And provoke conniption fits That leave us twitchin' and twisted and with emotional bruisin' Man I'm talking convulsions, also contortions, contusions But I'll proffer this proposal, and convey my conviction That being prone to inner conflict and contention Is just the proverbial human condition There is no magic bullet No projectile that can be conjured All we can do is proceed and continue Lace up our Pro-Keds and Converse No procrastination, gotta go hard like concrete, get proactive Concoct that projection, construct that prototype, make it happen I'm pro-creation, like I was the consequences Of promiscuous conjugal relations that are not protected By condoms, prophylactics, and contraceptives Wide-open palms protruding, proving I'm no con artist I meant every word, prologue to conclusion. Title: "Pro/Con." Artist: Napkins.

SWITCHITUP I love what I do, and for that I'm grateful and humble And so I try to stay positive and not act hateful and grumble I just put the hard work into every song I write So if you're looking for the wack then you came to the wrong site Now in general I tend to flow more chill than wild "But will you switch it up Zach?" Yeah I certainly will, child On this latest joint, brand spanking new I'm spitting more rhymes than all the tea in China It's that Nanking spew I'm sending out my message like a wireless tower. I wanna always be impressive, a tireless wower. Don't play your speakers quietly, let 'em pump to the joint, And this song's about variety, so let's jump to the point. At one time or another, all our worlds are change-stricken. And if that's scary, you're not an odd duck or a strange chicken. But if life is hard and you're bewailing it now Try to switch it up, and soon you could be nailing it. Wow! My environment got shaken up and flipped in my dash From Beantown to Tinseltown, I dipped in a flash. I used to cruise the Mass Pike then I headed more west And now I holler "Pass the mike" Where the weather's the wore-mest And I grind like a shark with a fin and I'm dining nonstop Find me in the dark with my grin shining. I'm fly, and fresh, that hasn't vanished since I began. And I don't fry flesh, that's been banished since I'm vegan. I hit the spot. I don't flow lame. Am I passive mush? No dice! Nope. What I spit is hot. It's not low-flame. I make a massive push to keep it nice and dope... And if the rapper Biz Markie ever gets a female dog, He could name her "Miz Barkie." I switch it up Mash it and mix it up Move things into new positions Revamp, revisit and do revisions I came to switch it up Break it down and fix it up Chop it and swap it and don't be afraid That you won't have the swagger to stitch it up You gotta give it a shot even though You may stumble or stagger. SWITCHITUP!

OLD SCHOOL LANGUAGE Every time I kick a verse, every single word of it Is timeless, ageless, evergreen, permanent I don't mess with any new-fangled slang But I do make that old-school language bang "Yolo" was a flash in the pan "Swag?" It's already trash in the can But man, my flow is so hot When I pull that mike from the stand It gets scorched black in my hand And turns to ashes like a match lit Burnt from the fire that Zach spit Every word is a classic More than I can say for "cray," "twerk" or "ratchet" But look, I'm no hater who wants to dis That is not what I wish to do with this Give me your attention. Hark to the plan Hear and obey as I bark a command You're coming with me through a wormhole On a journey through time to reach the eternal Word to your mother, here we go Back to fifteen thousand years ago So this study came out with a list of words That are "ultraconserved" - read down the page These are words that "have been retained In related forms since the end of the last Ice Age" Their sounds and meanings have remained Remarkably similar for fifteen thousand years And all of them appeared in that verse that you heard And that you're going to hear again right here Double time: "Yolo" was a flash in the pan "Swag?" It's already trash in the can But man, my flow is so hot When I pull that mike from the stand It gets scorched black in my hand And turns to ashes like a match lit Burnt from the fire that Zach spit Every word is a classic - More than I can say for "cray," "twerk" or "ratchet" But look, I'm no hater who wants to dis That is not what I wish to do with this Give me your attention. Hark to the plan Hear and obey as I bark a command You're coming with me through a wormhole On a journey through time to reach the eternal Word to your mother, here we go Back to fifteen thousand years ago (Old!) Vocab words that go backwards in time? I got plenty, chum (Old!) Specifically these twenty-some Stretching across many a milleni, um (Old!) No new-fangled slang, but dang I can sure make that old-school language bang And how great is that "old" Is one of the words that's incredibly old? It's perfect.

GRIT & GRIN I'm about to freeze my face in a smile And spit for a while ventriloquist style You're about to see what hip-hop flowin' Looks like when the mouth and the lips stop goin' And it's true that initially It just seemed like a fun gimmick visually and superficially But when I chose a title and I thought about it more It became a metaphor that I wanted to explore... Ready? (Two, three, four.) Grit and grin, grin and grit. Gonna hold it just like this, not gonna quit Nor change anythin' in the chin region As I grin and grit, grit and grin. And don't you go thinkin' I recorded the track earlier and dropped it on in Check out the throat - this is genuine and legit. Grit and grin, grin and grit. I got the skill to talk the ill talk. With the grill stock still, I can still rock. It's a stunt no one has dared to try Since Kanye did it in "Through The Wire." And even though it looks fancy-free, in here it's utter insanity. Although you can't see it underneath, You can hear the diligent agility And get the touch of the tongue on the teeth That's right, The grin is a screen that conceals what's goin' on outta sight I try hard to get it to look easy, So as not to decrease the crowd's delight. You don't need to know how the sausage gets ground, Just dig it and enjoy as I kick it and get down It's a cinch, As far as the audience can tell That's entertainment in a nutshell. It goes grin and grit, grit and grin. Lotta action goin' on within On the outside though it's just the show and that's it. Grit and grin, grin and grit. Ready? Two, three, four. Check it out y'all and be amazed please He's making drum sounds with a say-cheese freeze Droppin' beats while beaming ear to ear. Now here's another grit-and-grin meaning: If grit is work, and grin joy, It means you gotta both grind AND enjoy. And to push it just a little further Each one needs some measure of the other. Grit and grin means find some way to rejoice in the struggle. Flip it - Grin and grit: When you do stop to smell the roses, Do so with the same gusto you bring to the hustle; In other words grin grittily, and when you grit, grit grinningly.... To VENT these thoughts while saying something REAL And making party people go OH! That's the QUEST Vent, real, oh, quest. VENTRILOQUIST! Grin and grit, grit and grin. The yang and the yin Light on the side that's shadowed Shadow on the side that's lit Grit and grin, grin and grit Dude's killin' it, keen as a guillotine This right here is Joshua Silverstein... And I'm Zach Sherwin for the win. Grit, and, grin, Peace.

NO E Young Zachary... G-Watskary... Max on that track... Think through your ABCs So you'll start off at A and wind up at Z Now which of that group occurs most commonly? A hint: it's A B C D blank F G Now that writing symbol. It pops up a lot, right? High profiling, always all up in a spotlight Cool kid, in crowd Not who this hot shit is droppin' for This is for my not-so-populars CHORUS. It's for my Xs, my Zs and my Qs, My Ñs, my Js, and my Vs and Ks, too This is for my outcasts and misfits. All my oddballs, nod your noggins to this It's going out to my Qs and my Ks and my Zs My Ñs, my Xs, my Js and my Vs Go Watsky. Okay, I'm going to Using only Y A I O and U WATSKY. So many things I can't say without you But back up, trick, this song's not about you I swing my fist until a bully catch a fat lip You'll think it's a conniption fit from sniffin' catnip As I run rings around a dingus I do cunnilingus On a gymnast till that foxy lady hits a backflip. (Wooo!) I'm sorry if I'm on that brag tip But your armada's nada and I'm chillin' on that flagship Baby, two can play at war I'm cruisin' on my unicorn and shootin' as I soar It's stupid how I'm poopin' on you nincompoops And scoopin' up my loot and scootin' out that door So if a bastard calls you gross and got you glum You host a holy ghost - not hollow as a drum All in all our flaws show what it's all about So f ho-hum go dumb and just roar till your throat's numb ZACH. So, um, I was that chubby kid at camp who would swim With his shirt on, so no light could tan his skin Wishing his waistband was trim, And thanks to my pituitary gland I'm now a man and slim But that pain stays with you - phantom limb Chantin' hymns for all my antonyms Of big-man-on-campus gym rats And pompous girls with pompoms For non-Don Juanitas and non-Don Juans Who skip prom or formal For abnormal sorts who don't play sports with jocks Non-conforming rocks!!! So if how you do you is too unorthodox for a box Put a fist up. Box your way out. Hit it Mold's gross. Who would want to fit it? CHORUS. This is going out to my Zs and my Ks my Qs My Ñs, my Xs, my Vs and Js, too Folks with asthma and physical handicaps Birthmarks, scars, and burns or dramatic family crap Going out to my Qs and my Ks and my Zs My @-signs, my Js, and my Vs And last on this list, All my library-living wordplay-loving kids Zach, smack it to bits Gandalf, Houdini, Jafar....oh no! What's wrong? Look! Snap(e)! Gotcha, guys, that was our plan all along Wizardry on a song with a magical trick What a hot collaboration Boom, this match is (e)lit(e) Gritty hard diamond minds causing paws to applaud Two shiny rock stars, two hip-hop g(e)od(e)s! Whoa whoa, slow it down, don't talk bull and brag I'm sorry, man, I'm just chock full of s(e)wag(e) Lyrics, twisting, turning, curling Similar to a tail on a pig or a pug From a pair of (e)mc(ee)s with a lot in common Our skin and our skills B(e)ig(e)...hug(e).... Awwww! Don't allow rigid limitations To stop you from rising to difficult occasions Wow, so motivational! Oh, without a doubt And now it's "P(e)ac(e) man" And I'm out. Ghost.

FLAG ROAST It's a flag roast. I'm gonna roast some flags. And I don't wanna show off, boast, or brag, But you know I've got the devastating gags and jokes I'm getting aggro....it's a flag roast. I mean, I murder flags when I put 'em on blast All surviving flags, should be at half mast. Show me any flag, and that flag's toast. Listen close, it's a flag roast. I verbally defile banners in a highly vile manner. Isle of Man, I demand some answers. Am I looking at human legs with their hinges fused Into the type of throwing stars that ninjas use? Weird omage to choose for the pennant Where you've also presented The triple thong you apparently invented But you do have the world's highest N.C.D. - Number of Crotches Depicted - three. I give Bhutan mad props 'Cause their flag's got such a dope mascot. The symbol of their national heritage and glory? Falkor! The Luck Dragon from the Neverending Story. Come on, I'm just goofin', Bhutansters. That dragon on your flag is an intimidating monster! Although, he looks pretty frail and he fails When you weigh him on the scales Against this badass from Wales! That's a way tougher dragon. If THEY got to scrappin'? Imagine what would happen! I'll do some re-enactin': [dragon fight] Monaco's design is fine, but it was stolen By Indonesia, Singapore, AND Poland! Who all made the shameful decision, To engage in flagrant flag plagiarism Or “flagiarism.” Flags get kiboshed. Yanked like Vioxx. Kiai-chopped. Laced up like high-tops. Here's Mauritania, which I call: The Jolly Green Cyclops. And not to make you blush until your cheeks're crimson But the flag of Antigua and Barbuda Gives a decent glimpse into what it'd be like If you performed oral sex on Lisa Simpson. Right? Like a first-person view? See what I'm saying? Look, "The Simpsons" premiered in 1989 She'd be a fully grown woman by now. This is not creepy. "Did he talk about Lisa Simpson's vag? Gross!" Toughen up, wimps. It's a flag roast. Man, if flags had feet, they'd get their toes tagged I put 'em in body bags when I roast flags You should pity any flag that I zing Cause dag, the sting must be agonizing I'm that dude who will rag on your flag the most Zach Sherwin with the flag roast. Uh. I vex flags - no apology And I'm ill with a sick burn, that's my policy And I do it comically And I got a big word to teach you: The study of flags is called “vexillology” I vex flags no apology And I'm ill with a sick burn that's my policy And I do it comically So I put the “vex” and the “ill” And the “lol” into “vexillology”

DINO SOAPS Some people have names with words That are relevant to 'em embedded in the middle Encoded bonus information Hidden in the letters in the center like a riddle If you don't understand just yet, don't fret I'm gonna demonstrate, and you'll get it in a little Bit when I spit these well-known names With secret words embedded in the middle. So who's precisely my TYPE of lady? Check it out: it's kaTY PErry Who was a RIOT on SNL? She's very hilarious: cheRI OTeri buSTA Rhymes is a rap STAR. missY ELLiott as well. She had a famous song where she said "Holla..." And you know that's YELL. rusSELL Simmons SELLS. He's an entrepreneur. chRIS Evans causes a RISE in libido. GREen is the color of Shrek the OGRE'S skin And the last name of cee lO Who's the HERO of every film in which we've ever seen him? dwayne tHE ROck johnson. What a hunk! Lotta people wanna get up in his NETHER regions. Now: scotT WOlf starred in the '90s sitcom "Party of Five” So what's up with the TWO? And steVIE Wonder may be blind But his name has got a perfect VIEW. So some of these are off base. sanDRA Bullock is not DRAB, she's a beauty. zAC Efron's no acting ACE. vIN DIEsel isn't in INDIE movies. Whose classic car is a Lincoln, not a MODEL T? guillerMO DEL Toro. And do I like jOHN Oliver? Oh yes. So forget that OH NO. Animals! whooPI Goldberg has PIG. rheA PEarlman, APE. There's an ELK in michaEL Keaton And a she-sheep, or a EWE, In kanyE WEst, georgE WEndt, and vampirE WEekend And nEW Edition. Ask former Senator christopHER Dodd: that's a whole HERD! And smack in the middle Of Malcom in the Middle's frankiE MUniz? EMU, a big bird. reginA SPektor: ASP! Like a viper. But also NAS who fired back after Jay's dis track “Takeover,” Produced by Kanye, who put chancE THE Rapper on “Pablo.” Nas called his song “ETHER.” roB LOWe: Let me BLOW your mind with just a few more, But not before finding NEMO in julianNE MOore. christOPH WALz has OPH WAL Spelled in an off-the-wall way. And my buddy loves GANJA I put him in even though he's not famous: morGAN JAy And FLO RIDA's entire name is a perfect FLORIDA overlap. I don't know what state that dude is from But someone prob'ly should have told him that! Dino soaps. Why call this song "Dino Soaps?" 'Cause when I was a kid I had the kind of soap That had a little rubber dinosaur at the core inside the soap Buried down deep like a treasure. Now you can put all the pieces together. I call these dino soaps They're normal-seeming names with a secret treat at the center. gareTH Edwards: the director of the next Star Wars film: "Rogue One." And you already know about ellEN Degeneres; if you didn't, I'd be so stunned. No connection between them. Except for this, and it's real fun: THE END. (Dino soaps!) And now we're eD O'NEill: DONE.