Circumcising Wolverine

from by Zach Sherwin

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I feel stress and misery when my inbox is not spic and span
I really hate mess and disarray so I keep it clear
As near zero as I can
But man, I just can't win
It's like no matter how hard I strive
New e-mails just keep coming in
Or people write back to the ones that I've already archived
I was talking to a friend
About how this job won't ever be brought to completion
He was like, “Yeah, that's never gonna end
Truly, the task is...Sisyphean.”
I said, “Whoa, run it back, explain,
Whatever the reference is, I'm missing this.”
He said, “Come on, Zach, rack your brain.
I'm talking about the Greek myth of Sisyphus.
He's the man who the gods condemned to walk up a mountain
Pushing a gigantic boulder
But every time he got to the summit with the rock
It would plummet to the bottom
And he'd have to start over and over, forever
He is the symbol of frustrated effort! That is his fate!
Hence the expression!”
And I was like, “Eh! It's a little outdated.”
So I thought up an update.
We all know who the X-Men are
A team of superheroes with incredible abilities
And Wolverine is the breakout star
He can heal back instantly from any injury
He just regenerates like BOOM!
You can't permanently hurt him, guys
And that's why we can safely assume
That Wolverine is uncircumcised. Look:

I don't want to be obscene
But you can't circumcise the Wolverine
If you cut him, he'll heal back pristine.
You can't circumcise the Wolverine. No...
Even if your blade is keen
He's a foreskin regrowth machine
And trying to keep my inbox clean
Feels just like circumcising Wolverine
See what I mean? Right?
You can't circumcise the Wolverine
I shake my fist and scream at the screen:
“Damn your mutant genital regeneration gene!”
And it isn't just e-mail
You can use this phrase to describe any frustrating routine
Where the light at the end of the tunnel's unseen
You can't guillotine the Wolverine peen.


from Brutus, released September 6, 2016
Lyrics by Zach Sherwin. Beat by Andrew Singer aka Soce the Elemental Wizard (



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Zach Sherwin Los Angeles, California

LA-based comedian, rapper, and writer. “Epic Rap Battles of History” (YouTube), “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” (The CW), “Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell” (FX, FXX), “The Pete Holmes Show” (TBS), “America’s Got Talent” (NBC), Comedy Central Records, ASpecialThing Records. ... more

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