Duck II (Defended)

from by Zach Sherwin

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lyrics

DUCK II (DEFENDED)

Chapter two.
I thought, “Sacre bleu!
Unless the duck's adopted soon,
The webfoot will get his neck put on a block
And lopped in two!
They'll cleave and hew him;
Leave him in ruins
Like music from Houston,
He'll be chopped, and screwed.
And since Ben the farm director told me
None of the shelters in New Mexico
Would give him a rescue home
I thought “I'll get my phone and start
Tracking down assistance
Acting like a phallic cornea.”
(A private eye.)
I began in Acton, California.
“Hi, you've reached the Farm Sanctuary.
This is Theresa.”
“Yeah, hello. My name is Zach.
It's nice to meetcha. Can I beseech ya
On behalf of a creature that I just met?
A duck who eluded brutal canine attacks,
But still will be hacked up and dined on?
It's unfair, and unkind, and honestly, an anticlimax!”
Somehow,
He gave the slip to fangs that dripped
With drops of dog saliva.
He's an awesome improviser like MacGyver.
Made it out the frying pan
And now the plan is still to toss him in the fire
Even though he's like a barnyard Holocaust survivor!”
Theresa said, “I'm sorry! He really sounds impressive.
But male ducks a/k/a drakes are too aggressive.

Yeah
They can be very, very aggressive
And we have chickens we wouldn't want him to mess with
We got peace to keep
We don't need your duck and our hens
Going beak to beak
Yeah
I bet that you could find
Some other rescue that would help ya
But New Mexico isn't known for having too many shelters
No
So when we hang up the phone I am gonna
Send over a list of sanctuaries out in Arizona
These, places might be willing to adopt him
He's, special. Gotta get the point across to 'em
Please, take my suggestion when you talk to 'em:
SAY THAT THING ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST TO 'EM!

I'm serious. Tell everybody else you talk to he's like a Holocaust survivor, it's gonna seal the deal." "Wait, I can't tell if you're joking right now." "I'm 100% serious."

She sent the list
I called a likely-seeming candidate:
A spot close to Flagstaff
In the Grand Canyon State.
“Hello this is Cody."
"Hi, I met a duck who's slated to die
After evading a violent fate.”
Then what the hell, I gave it a try:
I said “He basically survived the Holocaust?”
And crossed my fingers, then
Cody said “We'll take him! You can go ahead and bring him in."
Theresa KNEW that line would keep these people from declining!
I'm no fan of WWII but that's a tiny silver lining.
Cody went on, “You're lucky to connect with me.
Lots of places won't take a drake;
They can be aggressive sexually.”
Whoa. The plot had just heated up and thickened.
Is THAT what Ben had meant when he said,
“Beating up the chickens?”
I said, “Full disclosure: I won't bluff or pretend.
I've been told that this duck tends to be rough with the hens.”
I thought Cody's offer might be shredded to confetti
But instead he said, “Ha! I like this guy already.”
Direct quote from Cody!
Animal folks are quirky
I didn't question too closely
Cause now I had a haven that Brutus would be safe in
I could save him
If I could just arrange some transportation
'Cause Flagstaff is six and a half hours' drive
From the barn where Brutus was stashed at
Not close, no sir
And I wasn't so sure
I could find a chauffeur
Of whom I could ask that.
So although Ben had said that all those local sanctuaries were
Wary of the duck like he was hazmat
I thought it couldn't hurt to take another pass at
So I called a place smack dab in Santa Fe to have a chat.
“Kindred Spirits, this is Ulla.”
“I'll get down to brass tacks.
I met a duck who's on the execution fast track.
He's a Holocaust-surviving sex offender.
Think Schindler's List meets Clockwork Orange meets Aflac.”
“HE SOUNDS FANTASTAC! We'll take him!"
Of course that's a comedically heightened exaggeration
But after all his trials and tribulations,
Brutus was in the clear!
“Except,” Ulla said,
“We can't pick him up.
You'll have to bring him here."
That was no prob.
I called Nate.
You recall Nate.
I said “Good news! The duck's saved.
We stopped death. We stalled fate.
I found him a home close by.
He'll be in good hands like Allstate.
But he is gonna need a ride there.
Could you help out? Could you haul freight?
It's right outside of Santa Fe.”
And Nate went, “Nice. Yeah, okay.
I could probably drive thataway
Maybe like Friday or Saturday?”
I won't deny, I felt delated
I hoped he'd understand and say,
"I'm so inspired, I can't delay!
I leavin'! Arriba! Andele!”
But he was my only chance to save the day!
So I said, “Great! Sure That rocks!
What would you plan to transport him in?
Pet carrier? Cardboard box?"
And you will not believe his reply:
"Oh. I don't know...
I guess I'd throw him in my trunk and drive slow.
That's not a lie, though;
It's unembellished fact.
What the hell would have happened if I HADN'T asked?
Brutus clings to life like Superglue and then
En route to New Jerusalem
His pooch is screwed in the boot of this dude's Subaru?!
“Ahem,”I said, “Gosh, Nate, that kinda sounds not great.
Maybe ask around and see if someone has a dog crate?
And PLEASE keep me posted.” “For sure,” he assured me.
But I heard nothing Wednesday and not a word Thursday.
I could feel the momentum melt, slip, and drop
Tick tock, close to twelve on the apocalypse clock
Gloom bloomed darkly. Doom loomed starkly.
To be concluded. Stay tuned for Part III.

credits

from Brutus, released September 6, 2016
Lyrics by Zach Sherwin. Beat by Upryz (www.upryz.com)

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Zach Sherwin Los Angeles, California

LA-based comedian, rapper, and writer. “Epic Rap Battles of History” (YouTube), “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” (The CW), “Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell” (FX, FXX), “The Pete Holmes Show” (TBS), “America’s Got Talent” (NBC), Comedy Central Records, ASpecialThing Records. ... more

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