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Letter C

from Brutus by Zach Sherwin

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lyrics

LETTER C

I did a little gig not long ago
And this dude came up to me after the show
And he said to me
“Hey, you know the only difference between 'rap' and 'crap'?
It's the letter C.”
I thought, “This guy's wack.
That joke's not even a wisecrack; it's a DUMB-crack."
But the memory's a pain in my butt
Like a thumbtack in my bum-crack
'Cause I didn't have a comeback.
Man, I wish I could have hit him with a zinger
Should have served him with the verbal equivalent of a middle finger And now it'll linger forever,
But I've been stewing over what I'd say to him if I could do it over

He'd be like,
“You know the only difference between 'rap' and 'crap' is the letter C?” I'd say, “Are you insured medically?
'Cause you sure better be
When you're broken in half from provokin' the wrath.
And your joke? Didn't laugh. And actually,
There's another difference between 'rap' and 'crap' you did not hit: 'Rap' describes my comedy on stage.
'Crap' describes your comedy off it!"

Aw shit! Oh crap!
Everybody within earshot would be like “Oh snap!”
I'd high-five all around
While the guy falls down in a ball on the ground.
Someone hands him a bandage to stop the bleedin'
And when he manages to stand
I'd say, “Man you just got - defeated!
It's ironic: I shit on your crap joke.
You could say I defecated on it!”
Murder, but I'd take it even further
He'd just be weeping pathetically.
I'd say, “Hey -
You know the only difference between 'defeated,' and 'defecated'?
It's the letter C.”

Sudden hush, like when a skydiver pulls a ripcord
Somebody tiptoes forward, hands me a clipboard
And I let dude read it
It's a looseleaf sheet and it says the word “defeated"
I pull out a Sharpie marker
Narrow my eyes through my Warby Parkers
Like “Watch who you're effin' with, with your effin' ish.”
Then I'd write in the C and he's f-in-ished.
FINISHED!

Can you imagine if that's what I said?
If I'd come up with THAT off the top of my head?
I'd have shredded him, knocked him down dead.
But, like I said, that's not what I said.
Sigh.

credits

from Brutus, released September 6, 2016
Lyrics by Zach Sherwin. Beat by Andrew Singer aka Soce the Elemental Wizard (www.socetew.com)

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Zach Sherwin image

Zach Sherwin Los Angeles, California

LA-based comedian, rapper, and writer. “Epic Rap Battles of History” (YouTube), “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” (The CW), “Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell” (FX, FXX), “The Pete Holmes Show” (TBS), “America’s Got Talent” (NBC), Comedy Central Records, ASpecialThing Records. ... more

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