from by Zach Sherwin

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I don't battle-rap
But if I did
I'd do it with brutality and heartlessness.
I'd be bad to the bone and brave
Till my opponents caved
Just like the Roman slave named Spartacus
Now if you don't know the facts on Spartacus
I'd be delighted to provide you with a partial list
Here's the history: he's from a place called Thrace.
Which is where Bulgaria is today.
The Romans trained him as a gladiator
And he was great at it
But he wasn't glad he wasn't free
He freaking hated it
No question: this oppressed Thracian
Wasn't destined just to accept his fate, man
He made an escape plan and the plot succeeded
And he was chosen by the band of slaves he brought to freedom
As the boss and chieftain,
That they thought should lead them
As they fought the soldiers sent to accost and besiege 'em
They waged war all across the region
And Spartacus was the kiss of death
To whole lots of hostile legions
Of clods and cretins
Who wound up with their paws, feet and
A bunch of other body parts chopped off and bleedin'
Lives lost when they paid the high cost of beefin'
With S.P. and got tossed in mausoleums
The Romans ought to've beat him
Because the odds weren't even
But though they had the greater numbers they could not defeat him.
And I'm a humble hip-hop comedian
I'm much less Mobb Deep
Than Joss Whedon or Buster Keaton
But if I did battle rap I'd go off the deep end
Commit atrocities you would not believe in
Like an impossibly colossal and awful demon
Scorched-earth nuclear-holocaust emceein'
And it would be inspired by the champion of vox populi:
Me n' Spartacus, two peas in a pod.

Real talk, no artifice
I would throw my foes down a dark abyss
All these sucker-ass rappers who suck at raps?
They're the reverse of Spartacus!
Really! If you spell “Spartacus" backwards
Then it's “suc at raps”
I don't battle
But if I did, I'd be as hard as Spartacus
And you could give my hind part a kiss.


from Brutus, released September 6, 2016
Lyrics by Zach Sherwin. Beat by Teddy Roxpin (



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Zach Sherwin Los Angeles, California

LA-based comedian, rapper, and writer. “Epic Rap Battles of History” (YouTube), “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” (The CW), “Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell” (FX, FXX), “The Pete Holmes Show” (TBS), “America’s Got Talent” (NBC), Comedy Central Records, ASpecialThing Records. ... more

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